Monday, September 25, 2006

Fantasy fulfilled


A weekend of celebration ends, and with it the fulfillment of a fantasy. I did wake-up with someone on my birthday; he’s adorable with big greenish blue eyes, he cuddles perfectly and let me know that at that moment I was all that mattered. He kept me warm, kept me company and set the perfect tone for my birthday.

Meet Simon, he was my birthday morning date:

Friday, September 22, 2006

Fantasies...

Fantasies - we all allow ourselves to have them and I truly believe that we all need them to survive. There is just that vital balance between allowing fantasies to be an inspiration and becoming overrun by them. I suppose I succumbed to the latter this week and watched as the ‘world’ that I created came tumbling down. Ironically, it was not as painful as I would have thought. I should explain…

It began with an innocent introduction to a tall, blonde, attractive man in a suit (ok, we already have enough material for a fantasy, but I’ll continue.) At first, I paid no attention, he was a bit ‘out of my league’, or so I thought; apparently, he disagreed. The introduction led to conversation and the conversation led to an innocent kiss goodnight. Sweet, appropriate, comfortable and it blew my mind…

He left and it wasn’t until later that I realized: 1) I had no way of contacting him and 2) I didn’t remember his name. I did, however, know enough about him that I would be able to track him down. So, at this point we add mystery and ‘reliance on fate’ into the equation and a recipe for a disaster of a fantasy is born.

I spent the week envisioning conversations I could have with him, places I might run into him, creating the image of him into the “perfect boyfriend”. I should’ve stopped, I tried to stop, I failed to stop.

I finally could handle it no longer, so I returned to the scene of the initial conversation, a bar/club with a bartender who is a neighbor of mine. I entered alone with the intension of being met by a few friends. Before they arrived, I approached my bartender friend and asked if he knew the guy (by now anyone I spoke to about him knows him as simply “The Austrian”). Of course he did. As a matter of fact, he filled me in on the details: a player, 'not a closer’* and someone he would really like to see me steer clear of. In other words, exactly the kind of guy I fall for and exactly what I need to stay away from.

As predicted, The Austrian entered the bar (at precisely the time the bartender said he would) with his posse of admirers. Stunning he is, charming he is and dangerous. In the few moments I watched him interact with others, I saw what I needed to see. The assessment was correct; this is not the man I created in my head and not someone I needed to heavily invest in. I did speak to him and was equally as charmed, just not nearly as sucked in. He didn’t pay the same kind of attention as he had the week before (perhaps the three guys fawning over him distracted him enough) and the magic of the initial moment just wasn’t there. The door is not closed, but reality has set back in. My fantasy will continue, but reality doesn’t always live up to fantastical expectations.


*a new term I learned tonight meaning someone who flirts hardcore, maybe even enters a bit of physical interaction and then doesn’t follow through – no call, no date, just disappears.

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

“Desire love and love desire”

I’m reading a book by Daniel Mendelsohn, “The Elusive Embrace”. (I promise this won’t turn into a book report.) In a part of it, he describes the duality of the gay man’s desire for a relationship. Simply put, he states that the gay man “desires love and loves desire” which leads him to the quagmire of his romantic existence.

How true is this? How many times have you heard a friend (or even yourself) say, “I’m really ready for a relationship” and not thirty seconds later, “Damn he’s hot, I wouldn’t mind taking him home for a night”? There it is, the classic example… We create the situations ourselves. So which one wins?

As I approach my birthday, I find myself returning to the same thought, “I don’t want to wake-up alone”. I can’t remember how long this pervasive thought has existed, but I always wish for someone to wake-up with on my birthday. The ideal, of course, is a boyfriend; someone who loves you, cares about you and is there to start ‘your’ day off right: a hug and kiss, spooning (maybe a little more), showering and giving you a few moments with just the two of you. In my mind, it sets the tone for the year, it gives you the confidence you need to start your day and year knowing that no matter what happens on the “outside” this support system is there waiting for you. This is my desire for love. More often than not this is what rules me. It sets the tone for how I approach dates, meet people and live life in general; it is long-term.

On the other hand, I love the game. The “rules of attraction” suck, but the chase, the thrill of getting to know someone, the wondering if feelings and attraction are mutual, the passion of an initial embrace… they all get me going. I have my own idiosyncrasies that get in the way, but I can’t lie and say I don’t have a love of desire.

Even so, and this is where it gets complicated, I believe that this love of desire can lead directly into the desire for love. I might love the game, but that is because I have known more of that than I have the other. In the moment, the chase is great, but I know (even if I have only experienced it briefly) that my desire for love is much greater, that these initial ‘thrills’ will lead to more intense excitement for me when I know exactly what touch/look/word will elicit a specific response in a partner.

Now it’s time to put my theory to the test, and what better time than now (4 days before my birthday)…