“Desire love and love desire”

I’m reading a book by Daniel Mendelsohn, “The Elusive Embrace”. (I promise this won’t turn into a book report.) In a part of it, he describes the duality of the gay man’s desire for a relationship. Simply put, he states that the gay man “desires love and loves desire” which leads him to the quagmire of his romantic existence.

How true is this? How many times have you heard a friend (or even yourself) say, “I’m really ready for a relationship” and not thirty seconds later, “Damn he’s hot, I wouldn’t mind taking him home for a night”? There it is, the classic example… We create the situations ourselves. So which one wins?

As I approach my birthday, I find myself returning to the same thought, “I don’t want to wake-up alone”. I can’t remember how long this pervasive thought has existed, but I always wish for someone to wake-up with on my birthday. The ideal, of course, is a boyfriend; someone who loves you, cares about you and is there to start ‘your’ day off right: a hug and kiss, spooning (maybe a little more), showering and giving you a few moments with just the two of you. In my mind, it sets the tone for the year, it gives you the confidence you need to start your day and year knowing that no matter what happens on the “outside” this support system is there waiting for you. This is my desire for love. More often than not this is what rules me. It sets the tone for how I approach dates, meet people and live life in general; it is long-term.

On the other hand, I love the game. The “rules of attraction” suck, but the chase, the thrill of getting to know someone, the wondering if feelings and attraction are mutual, the passion of an initial embrace… they all get me going. I have my own idiosyncrasies that get in the way, but I can’t lie and say I don’t have a love of desire.

Even so, and this is where it gets complicated, I believe that this love of desire can lead directly into the desire for love. I might love the game, but that is because I have known more of that than I have the other. In the moment, the chase is great, but I know (even if I have only experienced it briefly) that my desire for love is much greater, that these initial ‘thrills’ will lead to more intense excitement for me when I know exactly what touch/look/word will elicit a specific response in a partner.

Now it’s time to put my theory to the test, and what better time than now (4 days before my birthday)…