Criticizing the ones we love

For some reason, over the past couple of weeks, I have begun some major self-reflection. It began with a comment from a friend, “I am perfectly comfortable talking about any of you when you are not around because I know that you all do the same.” That statement is haunting… It’s haunting in a way that, at first, I couldn’t identify.

What came to me after a few days of silent reflection and internalization is that, I am not comfortable with that. I realize that people are going to talk about me behind my back and that I may (although I will now make a conscious effort not to) do the same, but I will no longer make any comment or observation behind someone’s back that I won’t make to their face. This, obviously, can complicate relationships.

I know that I have thrown the word “love” around in previous posts; I have expressed my belief that we are constantly surrounded by it and I have gone so far as to distinguish romantic love from friendship love. My question pushes the limits of “unconditional love”: at what point does unconditional love force one to just accept inadequacies of the object of that love and when does it dictate that we help those close to us realize the effect their actions have on those close to them?

It is obvious that we are often the most critical of those who are closest to us, but why? I firmly believe that this is mostly because it pains us to see those we love not living up to their potential.

Yes, I am saying that criticism can come from love and that it is a testament of that love that we feel comfortable enough to share it with them. When someone close to you is hiding their true light and inner beauty behind insecurities and false actions, it is seen as a direct affront to you (at least in your mind). You continue to love them for who they are, but slowly their self-facing attacks begin to eat away at the very bonds of friendship. At that point the options become few: 1) do you love and respect them enough to express these criticisms, 2) do you simply accept them and find away to keep the bonds strong, or 3) do you allow the bonds to slowly get eaten away and “fall away” from the relationship?

I am embarking on an experiment; I want to show my friends enough respect and care that I am going to try expressing how their actions affect our interactions. To distinguish, I am not going to fret the small stuff, just the actions that hit me at the core. Who knows what the outcome may be, I may end up alone or I may achieve my goal and strengthen those relationships that mean the world to me.